A Deep Breath of Peace…

26 05 2015

A few years ago I found myself in a very dark place. I had to acknowledge that I was in a deep depression.

This was hard for me. I was supposed to be the ‘healer’, the nurturer, the social worker, the rescuer, the giver… that was entirely the way I defined myself. But, suddenly, I wasn’t so ‘strong’ anymore. I was struggling in an emotional vortex of pain, hurt and desolation. No one could reach me in a place where I did not want to be reached.

I blamed many factors and many people for my so-called sadness. My family, my friends, my co-workers, everyone got blamed. I remember one day even blaming the woman I met in the grocery store whom I knew from my daughter’s school, but who didn’t seem to know me. I was mad! I was sad! I once remember explaining to my patient and kind husband that our emigration from South Africa to the USA ‘had broken me!’ BROKEN! He looked at me and said, ‘Then let’s do something to help you heal… ok?’

I guess that’s where Healing gets really personal. For some, it’s daily walks or going to the gym. For some it’s therapy. For some, it’s work. For me, it started with running a half marathon (something I told myself I could never do). Alone, out there, for miles and miles, I had long conversations with myself. I spoke to eagles flying high above and asked unseen Angels for help. I prayed a lot on those training walks and then runs. It was there and then that I found Peace and Courage. I realized how scared I was of life… even things like meeting a friend for coffee some days took Courage. Geez, just getting out of bed took courage. I made myself start to do the things that scared me. And, I’m still in Courage Training!

Next, I chose to surround myself with only good energy, and forgive those who had hurt me. I had to accept this one pivotal fact. It was really NEVER ABOUT ME!! People can do what they can do. Not everyone can be the friend you want them to be. And that’s ok. They are beautiful in their own Uniqueness and Imperfection. They have their own challenges and strengths and they too, deserve Kindness. Likewise, I worked hard at appreciation. I appreciated my husband’s love and friendship. I appreciated my sweet girls’ hugs and kisses, my friends who would do the nicest things for me. I appreciated my adorable puppy, my outdoor deck overlooking a peaceful greenbelt where I could read and write. I started to breathe it all in. Peace!!! My Life!

And there’s when I found Kindness (and with that I mean self-kindness). I do not want to be judged. Nor, do I want to judge. I want to be free to walk my own path, not someone else’s, and certainly not be stereotyped into any one thing. I’m not always nice. I’m not always happy or positive. I can be rude, sad, mean and unfriendly. I’m certainly not always brave or peaceful, But I’m trying. And you know what? WE ALL ARE!

Now, I know this for sure… in the words of the wise, Doe Zantamata,

“Without forgiveness and appreciation, it’s just another day to blame, another bad week, another missed chance, a heavy feeling in the heart. After Forgiveness and Appreciation, it’s another fresh start, another beautiful breeze, another season change, and a DEEP breath of PEACE inside your heart.”

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